Threat alert: Atheist parasites infecting canned food, other acts of charity

October 1, 2010 9 comments

It is a sad reality when nothing is truly sacred. Recently, the shocking news was revealed that atheist parasites are propagating themselves by holding a food drive for needy people.

Lest you think that is was an isolated incident, a Google search for “atheist food drive” brings numerous results of the same sort of activity happening in many places.

It doesn’t stop there, however. Atheist parasites have been found in other acts of goodwill as well, carefully disguising themselves as caring people who wish to help others with no benefit to themselves other than the knowledge that they have aided others in need. If you are faint of heart, then I sternly recommend that you not do a Google search for “atheist charity.”

Make no mistake – parasites do not help people. They do not live to serve others. They do not give without taking – in fact, they do not give at all, other than giving a host MORE parasites. Therefore, we can only assume that these efforts are being made solely to further the world’s infestation.

Please, if you are a person in need, check carefully before accepting aid from anyone. Make sure that they believe in some sort of deity before you take so much as a bowl of soup from them. If you hear or see the words “humanist” or “freethinker” anywhere, turn away immediately, and tell them what they can do with their free winter coat.

The faith you save may be your own.

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Symptom of atheist parasite infection: heightened knowledge of religion

September 28, 2010 Leave a comment

This may tide everyone over until I finish up another batch of atheist parasite entries – it’s an interesting discovery about carriers of atheist parasites. It seems that one of the symptoms of infestation is a heightened knowledge of religion, according to a Pew Forum poll:

On average, people who took the survey answered half the questions incorrectly, and many flubbed even questions about their own faith.

Those who scored the highest were atheists and agnostics, as well as two religious minorities: Jews and Mormons. The results were the same even after the researchers controlled for factors like age and racial differences.

“Even after all these other factors, including education, are taken into account, atheists and agnostics, Jews and Mormons still outperform all the other religious groups in our survey,” said Greg Smith, a senior researcher at Pew.

Some of the results from believers were quite telling:

  • Fifty-three percent of Protestants could not identify Martin Luther as the man who started the Protestant Reformation.
  • Forty-five percent of Catholics did not know that their church teaches that the consecrated bread and wine in holy communion are not merely symbols, but actually become the body and blood of Christ.
  • Forty-three percent of Jews did not know that Maimonides, one of the foremost rabbinical authorities and philosophers, was Jewish.

It is obvious from this data that a comprehensive knowledge of religion and religious practice is a clear warning sign of atheist parasite infestation.

If you feel that you know too much about your religion and are starting to have some doubts about your faith, please seek help from a priest, pastor, rabbi, imam, or other holy figure immediately. Discontinue use of your Bible, Koran, Talmud, or holy book of your choice until symptoms fade.

When your faith returns, be certain to only use prescribed, church-approved scriptures to keep it strong, and avoid reading other portions of your holy book without proper guidance. Under NO circumstances should you read the holy books of other religions, or attempt to comprehend how they function.

Following these rules should go very far to protect you from infestation.

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Paul Zachary Myers

September 22, 2010 2 comments

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

The Paul Zachary (PZ) Myers is another example of an atheist parasite that propagates in an educational institution. This particular parasite is endemic to the biology department of the University of Minnesota Morris.

Victims of this parasite can often find their beliefs in superstitions and pseudoscience, such as intelligent design, anti-vaccination, and homeopathy, beginning to erode. If these symptoms persist, the affected should consult their local priest, pastor, or holistic medicine establishment immediately.

When not infecting innocent college students with an accurate, nonbiblical understanding of biology, the PZ Myers likes to get its slimy tentacles into all sorts of trouble – desecrating consecrated crackers, riding dinosaurs without a license, and attempting to sneak into creationist movie previews without the express written consent of the director.

This is truly an atheist parasite that you don’t want to get mixed up with.

AVOIDING THE PZ MYERS PARASITE: Biology classrooms are always a hotbed for atheist parasite activity, and should be avoided at all costs. During a severe PZ Myers outbreak, take refuge in the nearest creation museum (the parasite cannot bear exposure there for very long) . Under no circumstances should you click on any links to Pharyngula, no matter how tempting they may be.

To learn more about this nefarious parasite, visit its Wikipedia page.

(Thanks to PZ for sharing a link on his blog – and to all of the PZ cultists who have stopped by to leave comments and suggestions. Iä! Iä!)

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Lance Armstrong

September 21, 2010 Leave a comment

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

The Lance Armstrong parasite has a high rate of propagation among cyclists, cancer patients, cyclist cancer patients, or anyone with a possibly fatal disease and a penchant for riding lightweight, self-powered vehicles.

This parasite gained notoriety at the Tour de France, where it made a victorious appearance for seven consecutive years. In 1996, a case of testicular cancer was expected to wipe out this disgusting creature, but it prevailed in the end, and continues to flourish to this day.

Since then, the Lance Armstrong has inspired the creation of the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which aids cancer patients (and not victims of the Lance Armstrong, for some bizarre reason), and had a part in the founding of Athletes for Hope, a group that encourages athletes to get involved in charities.

This nasty parasite has become so widespread that in 2004, people began to wear yellow bracelets to raise public awareness of the danger of infection.

AVOIDING THE LANCE ARMSTRONG PARASITE: This parasite has been known to infect cancer patients and give them feelings of hope for surviving that disease. To avoid infection of the Lance Armstrong, cancer patients (and everyone else) should avoid being inspired by this parasite’s story of survival, and probably should not read or watch any accounts of how it managed to beat seemingly insurmountable odds.

Come to think of it, you probably shouldn’t have read this entry at all. Sorry about that.

To find out more about this pernicious parasite, read its Wikipedia page.

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Hemant Mehta

September 20, 2010 9 comments

Image courtesy friiendlyatheist.com

The Hemant Mehta parasite is one of the most insidious types of atheist parasites of all. This revolting organism invades both schools and churches, acting as a mild-mannered, productive  member of society, while secretly leeching off of the benefits that are meant for believers.

An outbreak of this parasite is presently occurring in a Chicago high school, where students are being subjected to heretical, deity-free mathematics lessons.

In 2006, the Hemant Mehta spread to a series of Christian churches after a Seattle minister named Jim Henderson made a careless impulse bid on eBay. This toxic event caused many infected Christians and atheist parasites to gain a better understanding of each other. A chronicle of this terrible plague is found in the book I Sold My Soul on eBay.

AVOIDING THE HEMANT MEHTA PARASITE: Avoiding infection from this foul bug requires some careful vigilance. It should go without saying that you should avoid taking any math classes in Chicago, but there is a much bigger threat of infection.

While it would be unreasonable to recommend avoiding church for any reason, that is precisely where most people will find themselves exposed to the Hemant Mehta. To protect yourself, always be cautious when encountering new people at your church, and if any of them approach you to discuss ways that atheists and believers can coexist peacefully, RUN!

To learn more about this nauseating parasite, visit friendlyatheist.com.

(Special thanks to Hemant for linking to the Field Guide, and for all of the positive and encouraging comments that have been coming in from his readers and others.)

Bob Geldof

September 19, 2010 3 comments

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

The Bob Geldof parasite, not unlike the Black Plague disease, is carried and spread by a host animal, the vile rodent Rattius Boomtownia. It infects hosts through mildly effective earworms such as I Don’t Like Mondays and Banana Republic.

But it is the most pernicious of these earworms, Do They Know It’s Christmas?, for which the Bob Geldof parasite is most well known. This particular earworm can cause some victims to turn off their radios in irritation when it becomes frequent and persistent, usually during late November through December 25th.

This earworm is also of interest because of the events surrounding its genesis. In 1984, an alarming number of British pop musicians were infected by it, and became motivated to record a benefit song for starving Ethiopians. This in turn sparked a Geldof-inspired concert, Live Aid, that would raise £150 million to help African citizens. In response, the British government upgraded the Bob Geldof threat to Sir Bob Geldof, in order to make more citizens aware of just how dangerous it really is.

AVOIDING THE BOB GELDOF PARASITE: To prevent infection of the Bob Geldof parasite, it is crucial to avoid listening to radio stations that play popular music during the months of November and December. One should also avoid movies, television shows, and documentaries about starving and sick people anywhere in the world, donating to charitable organizations that work to aid them, or organizing new charities that help anyone, anywhere.

You can learn more about this filthy parasite at its Wikipedia page.

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Marlene Dietrich

September 18, 2010 5 comments

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

The Marlene Dietrich parasite first came to the United States from Germany in 1939, and began to spread instantly, first through film, and then though popular music, all the way into the 1960s.

During World War II, this parasite was especially prolific, visiting American troops in Algeria, Italy, England, France, and Germany.

Infection with the Marlene Dietrich parasite appears to affect the cardiovascular system. As Ernest Hemingway (another atheist parasite) said, “if she had nothing more than her voice, she could break your heart with it.”

For some unknown reason, the Marlene Dietrich parasite will not infect anyone who belongs to the Nazi party.

AVOIDING THE MARLENE DIETRICH PARASITE: To prevent infection from the Marlene Dietrich parasite, one should avoid any of the music or films that carry this nasty bugger.

One sure-fire way to remain immune would be to join the Nazis, who seem to be highly resistant to atheist parasites of many kinds.

You can learn more about this foul parasite at its Wikipedia page.